A idots guide to motorbiking in Thailand

In my six weeks in South East Asia, mainly Thailand for the record, I spent a lot of my time exploring the open road on scooters. It may not have been the equivalent of the Americana open road freedom but my 125cc Euro-poof hairdryer and mushroom helmet still encapsulated such ideals. I'm a huge advocate of moto biking in Thailand, as you get to explore and truly use your noggin'. Such routes like the Mae Hong Son loop is a real winner. The dangers of those adventures never really hit me until I arrived in the hippy town of Pai. Pai had a lot of westerners with the battle wounds of the scooter life style.  Massive scars, bandages, and the fucktard limp of shame were the tattoos of falling off a scooter.

Driving in the countryside will produce beautiful views.

 I too took a tumbly or three on my first day, impart because I was being a numpty, much to the annoyance of my girlfriend Malin. She however was very safe and Swedish, truth to the claim that opposites attract. It does not take long to find pictures of dead westerners on the internet because of road accidents in Thailand. Or to find forum threads of story's of horror on the roads. In fact the internet is awash with story's of death on the roads, and statistics state that 40 people die a day in Thailand due to road accidents. Thai roads for the record, are well made, which is hardly surprising since they spend more on roads than education. What struck me was the complete lack of advice for tourists and travelers about driving in Thailand. So I thought I'd try and give some wise words, and some do's and don'ts for riding.

Do

Try and find a good scooter.  Most often the budget for scooter hire for the day is around 100 - 200 Baht. Often though the brakes on scooters are horrific, solemnly bled or pads replaced. If you can spend an extra 50 Baht (Around 1.50 dorra) to get a Japanese scooter. It will be worth it. If your scooter is bollocks, return it and demand a new one.

Wear a helmet. You may get a tad hot, contract hair lice and look like a character from Super Mario. But when you hit your head, it will most likely save it. You may look like a retard, but being retarded for the rest of your life is shit, so wear a helmet, and do up the chinstrap.

We rode in Mae Hong Son, which provided the best driving day I have ever had. Steep climbs, adventure and beautiful landscapes await.

Have travel insurance. I don't believe in religion, but I do believe in Travel Insurance. When shit hits the fan your policy going to save you like a contingent of Delta Force in Somalia with Black Hawks. I have zero tolerance for people without it. Best money you will ever spend in my book.

Take some sun glasses and sun cream. It could get sunny......

Take some supply's with you. Water,  Ice tea, sweets and the like. Always good to eat a skittle with a nice view. Also if you or someone else has an accident, sugar is a great way to treat against shock.

Turn the engine off when you park your scooter, or are about to push it! All too often everybody pushes their moto with the engine on. Resultantly they'll grab and turn the accelerator and the moto will carry you away. As you grab on for dear life you will be increasing the acceleration while looking like a epileptic having a fit on roller skates. Make it a habit, and call people out on it too.

Drive defensively. When someone beeps at you its too let you know of their presence, and not to be a dickhead. Be aware of this as some people may not give you much room while they pass.

Drive with someone. Its good to be together, and safety in numbers is not a bad thing.

Don't

Go mental on roads you don't know. I'm an advocate for speed and going fast. But if you don't know the road and your going fast, you are asking for trouble.

Take out bike insurance. Unless you have an international driving licence it won't count for anything.

Hit the middle yellow line. The middle line is very slippy at the best of times. In the wet its as slippy as a nun seeing Jesus. You will have no traction and go on to the other side of the road. So take the corners wisely.

Drive drunk or stoned. If your caught by the police, their eyes will light up with the financial rewards.

Drive at night. Most accidents will happen at night. There are a lot of bugs and bats to hit off your head. And other drivers are more likely to be drunk, as well as the increased chance of being robbed.

Go too fast. 80 - 90 Km/h is your Max, try aim for 65 Km/ph as your normal cruising speed. If you fall off at speed, expect your skin to get a good burning, and the rest of your holiday to be tainted, if not ruined. And remember your brakes are most likely awful, so slowing down urgently could take a while.

Be too far on the inside of your lane. You are entitled to do this, but do expect some knob jockey driving to be partially in your lane coming round a blind corner. It's bollocks, but keep the fact in mind that you are not in control of everything in relation to your safety.

Be angry. Driving in Thailand is kind of informal and not treated personally as it is in the UK. Loosing face in Thailand is probably the worst thing you can do. So always try and stay cool.  Think of Samuel L Jackson in Pulp Fiction. Bitch be Cool! BITCH BE COOL and so on.

I am sure there is many more people out there with more experience and knowledge than I. Please feel free to contribute advice. I wrote this article with actual concern that a lot of westerners seriously hurt themselves out there. Little information is given by governments to citizens for travel. Most likely more westerners die in scooter accidents in Thailand than Al-Qaeda kill in terror attacks. So its beyond me why we have not started drone strikes on Mod gangs and Lambretta scooters.

Be safe, take your time to learn how to scoo-tay, and have a good time.